I can say that there 3 men in my life that really matter; my father, my ex best friend and my ex…

All of them are not in my life any more but they are a big part of me.

My father, he thought me a lot; foreign languages, surviving in the woods wood carving and all the other crafts, cooking…he gave me love, I felt loved with him around me.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and he moved away and I never saw him again as he committed suicide. I know there were a lot of bad happenings around him but I somehow cherish and remember the good ones:)

Then there is my ex best friend, the person who stood by my side for more than 10 years, endured more than the average person can do as I could be a real pain in the ass. There was a time I fell in love with him. And on a different time he fell in love with me. We did fool around for a bit but decided friendship was more important. We were inseparable. When I met someone and started fooling around a bit with him, my friend stroke back with a girlfriend…Strangely I was still nr.1 in his life and I couldn’t get this. He acted like I was his girlfriend…So we drifted apart…after 2 years we came back together…and in these 2 years I changed a lot. And he wouldn’t accept that and he still regarded me as a person I was when I was at my worst behavior of my life and so scared of loosing him that I would get all his bullshit as my fault so he’d stay a part of my life…In these 2 years we weren’t in contact I grew. I came to realize that a person doesn’t have to have an active role in my life to be part of me. And he definitely was part of it. He helped me to realize some things about me that I didn’t like and drove me to the path towards changing them. He was my stepping stone. But the fact that he wouldn’t get me as the person I have become but trying to pull me down and regard me as the person I was years ago, made me realize that his role in my life has expired. I still love him and I will always love him as I am the person I am also thanks to him. I told him that he’s always welcome in my life but he has to acknowledge I have changed and not try to pull me down.

And then my ex. A friend asked me today – but what if he’s meant to be the father of your child? She really made me laugh.

He came in to my life and swept me off of my feet. Suddenly. Passionately. Intensely. He’s the man that rocked my world. And the one that got away….And keeps returning…Every few months 😀     He can’t live without me but he also can’t live with me. He’s a loner with overdeveloped and overstressed inability to express himself, his feelings. He hates talking about himself. But nevertheless I was crazy about him.

It took me quite some time to clear head, look at things objectively and see all the mistakes I made with him. When I’d be mad at him, I’d explode and become a text fanatic. I’d also make totally silly threats I’d never ever in my life bring to life. I realized that regardless of what he was like I didn’t like my reactions. I felt sorry immediately afterwards but EGO was too strong.

I went to some session, 2 #ayahuasca retreats, did a lot of self work. And I finally got a feeling of loving a per unconditionally even if the person is not part of my life any more. I felt sorry because in our last communication I told him I was sorry I ever met him and if it ever happened our paths to cross to look away.

A few months back I had to get it of my system, but we were not in contact and I erased his number and I also knew he wouldn’t answer his phone or return my text. So I decided for the old fashioned way- I hand wrote him a letter. I felt really great as I was doing it.

And this week I got the feedback 🙂