Passion. One word. A noun of the following meanings:
Have you ever felt it?! To the extent that it clouded your judgement? So that nothing else mattered but to touch, feel, sense, kiss the person of your desire? To the extent that you’d have sex with that person 24/7?! That you start shivering at the slightest thought of that person being close to you? Can you imagine being aroused for days after seeing this person? And your word spinning in the direction of your next encounter…
I do. There’s a guy that came into my life a few years ago. The guy is the most selfish, self centered person I have ever met. At least that’s what he wants the world to see. He’s totally disrespectful, ignoring me all the time. Why? Because that’s the way he behaves. Out of fear. Fear of getting close or letting someone too close. And I can’t get angry with him for that. Why?! Because i LET HIM. At first I’d get angry with him but the only person to be angry at is ME. People only go as far as you let them. And i LET HIM.
I realized it’s not him that’s disrespectful, it is I that don’t have respect for myself.
And there’s the starting point. A friend told me not to take the first train to Vladivostok but to face it. Face it. Easier said than done. There’s the counterpart cooperation required which is non existing. I could wait. Don’t know what I would be waiting for. It’s difficult to be alone in the conversation. EGO kicks in. EGO is a bitch. EGO wants to protect me. I try sending it on a vacation to have a cocktail but it won’t. It sticks around. I’d say it’s a loyal friend but sometimes it does more harm than good. EGO is raising the ‘block options’ on every possible mean of communication. I don’t want to walk the path, we already walked several times, again.
I let him all the choices as he does not like to be pressured. I don’t like to be ignored. I need feedback. I need to know where I am standing and than I can relax and give a person all the time he needs. I didn’t get any feedback.
His last return dazzled me. He told some personal stuff. He doesn’t do this. I was really happy. Yes it was nice to hear the words he said but I was happy for him because he DID IT. And I am still happy and proud of him for doing it although now the EGO with the help of the little devil on my right arm put that question in my mind – was this not just a play to get you laid?!?! I choose not to believe it but the thought keeps popping up…
Passion is mesmerizing. I wish you all to feel it to the extent I do. It’s amazing. It also gives you energy to make things happen. Just focus it in the direction you want…
But it also makes me cry. There’s a lovely sunny day outside and I can’t stop the tears. Passion in all varieties.
I am happy to have experienced that. I am really fond of the guy that can invoke this fire in me. I wish for a guy I’d feel the same and would appreciate it and take advantage of what’s handed to him.
And I wish you all experience that kind of passion in your lifetime. It’s breathtaking. Literally.
Love you all 🙂
SWEET MIDNIGHT TEMPTATION – result of this passion provoked by him put on canvas for him.