Better be slapped with the truth than kissed with lie (Russian proverb )

“What comes, will go. What is found, will be lost again. But what you are is beyond coming and going and beyond description. You are It.”

Rumi

I know this will probably be the longest post ever…. I had to let it out of my system. After sending it to him. I might have done wrong, I know. But I did it for myself. So I can feel better and move on after this experience and period of my life….A letter to the only man in my life I loved.

 

Casper,
Almost 3 years ago when you came in to my life and I asked you if you were single you said that you are not good at relationships. You are better ‘OUT OF CLOSET’ lover…but your behavior was very much of a taken men. I know. I am quite a naive person. I choose to see the positive in people, I choose to believe in them until proven otherwise…

Then Christmas came. And you came out of nowhere. Can’t stop thinking of me. And you think about me a lot. Oh yes..There’s a slight change. You have a girlfriend. But you don’t mind seeing me if I don’t. When I said not to come over if you are in a relationship you were devastated. Afraid you’ve fucked up and closed all the doors…You didn’t, I just didn’t want to get physical with you. And you overdid it. You even told you loved me then… I admit. You were my soft spot. So I gave in regardless of girlfriend. Felt bad about it. But you were intoxicating…and then after your broken ribs accident you broke up..But did you really? Now I question every single thing you ever told me…although HONESTY was the only thing I was so sure you possessed. You are a bit weird OK, strange way of acting, genuine…but HONEST… That’s the picture I had of you in my head. And then a few months later you came back…still single. I was happy that time I didn’t give in.

In August you wanted to reply to my letter. There was no need as the letter didn’t include any question but was just an apology and a thank you. But since I took the liberty of expressing myself it’s fair that you get the chance too. Although you decided to do it by coming over in the middle of the night…And the show…Wow…it deserved an Oscar…You have a problem with me, can’t get me out of your head, I am all that…And you still keep all pictures of me on your computer…

Could it be that the reason is I am the only person that pisses you off harder than your mom?…And after reading a letter your sister questioned you about who I was…did you tell her I am your drug?

….but you need your solitude…you like to be alone….and of course you are single – that’s the first thing I ask when you start touching me…Coz I really don’t want to get involved with taken men…don’t want to do to another woman what I don’t want done to me…The decision to become a MISTRESS was mine to be taken…interesting, when talking about past, our encounters, things that bothered us, I mentioned HER NAME…as you were best friends before I came into picture. And you had the chance to come out with the truth…

And I look at the show…a person that has problems expressing his feelings opening up. And I am proud. Coz you are doing it…What are men capable of doing with the intention to get a woman to bed;)
And when you said that you have several numbers of girls in your phone and you could have called any of them and be already done and home sleeping but you CHOSE ME; someone special you never know what to expect from- you still didn’t close the doors into my life…Who am I to judge you after this time.

 

And then the same pattern. Vanishing. Not answering to correspondence…But this is how you are. And for once if I was given another chance with you I either have to accept it or walk away from it. And I accepted it. With all your flaws, busy schedule as I wanted it to be different than it was before…But the communication begun to get better which was great. You were even prepared to talk about our relationship…wow, there were changes…you were willing to spend more time together and do things…just I shouldn’t pressure you about it….now I know it must have been really difficult to manage a girlfriend, a demanding mistress (that wasn’t aware of the assigned role) and some other girls aside….and I was happy as I saw the potential to build a friendship out of our thing…of course under the circumstance not to be alone somewhere as we always ended in bed….Because you were important to me and I wanted you in my life. Someone who will always be. A friend after this chemistry would calm down.

 

And then BOOOOOM. SHOCK. I was browsing the web and I came across the article ‘Lovebirds escaped to Japan’….It all made sense….The truth why you refused to talk about your trip. Why you behaved the way you did.

 

And after blocking me everywhere and thus making it impossible to get to talk to you finally got the guts to call and ask if you come over to explain. I admit. This was bold of you and I appreciate it.  I wanted to know why you did it. I consider this a big step as we both managed to override our EGOs and actually had a talk. When you came over to explain WHY you actually for the first time looked like a human. Hardly blocking tears, scared, expressing emotions, like you were really sorry…‘I am not a robot’, you said. But you sure choose to act like one…

 

And now this mask started melting. Since I first met you I told you who you are in our private moments and who you choose to impersonate outside our moments are not the same person. And now I guess your mask will stop falling down. Pretty sure you’ll be facing this soon. And as I told you it’s not easy. And I wanted to stay in your life just as friends. Coz I love you. And some time ago I went through the similar stuff. I was like you once. With the exception that I never lied. I was brutally honest. Sometimes too honest. You had all the options. I gave you our relationship on a golden plate you just had to decide which option to pick. It was too easy. And you choose to lie. As you said in your apology YOU TOOK ME FOR GRANTED. Then you wanted to shake hands goodbye. I told you that you were not a business to me and I hug people that mean something in my life. And we hugged. For a while. And even kissed. And I told you that I don’t trust you. And as we were hugging and kissing I asked if there was a problem with it..and of course, ‘You know what the problem is’, you said. And smiled, aroused.

Sure. As I told you you are afraid of being close to me. There’s a reason. Not that I am as you said YOUR DRUG. When you are close to me you are YOU. With the exception of lies. You said that I am the person you’ve been most honest with in your life. And I am sure that the answer I DON’T KNOW to my question ‘why are you here with me at this moment and what do you want’ was the sincerest thing you sad in a long time…Because I tell you like it is. I send you to hell when you deserve it. I bitch. I push your limits…But i still love you…After all you have done…And after all you’ve done I was still standing in my kitchen hugging and kissing you (goodbye). And you have a problem… Coz you wanted me in my bed… Coz I am your drug…But the chemistry is gone. You killed it in me with your actions. If there’s something I despise in my life are LIES. And you LIE. Big time. And as you were leaving I asked you a question and you said ‘I’ll tell you the next time’… Like it was nothing. Like after what you’ve done we’d still be hooking up and have fun as you’d please. Regardless of the girlfriend.

You surprised me with your call and showing up as I was sure we ended it with you blocking me everywhere. And you showing up made me think. I was confused. Empty. Angry. My head was telling me you are no good and a bastard. My heart desired to communicate with you. Make some sense of what has happened. Get to the answer WHY? Maybe I carry a CASPER MASOCHISM GENE when it comes to you. But I couldn’t get it out of my head that you showed up. After the day before I gave my best at choosing the worst possible things to say to you. You said you’ve deserved it but to be honest – no one, in any type of relationship deserves to come to the point of putting together what I did and no one deserves to be served it. And there I stood after you left with your ‘I’ll tell you next time.’ With a lot of questions in my head. And EGO warning me off…but if I listened to my true self I only wanted to communicate with you…A lot…in written, on the phone, in person. A lot of conversation and he HONEST one. No lies. From the beginning. Would it be possible? I had no clue but still I was willing to jump in. Where was this desire coming from. I even asked myself if it was only a challenge for me and if I could succeed at it. Although the trust was broken. The chemistry gone. I now know what it was. A desperate attempt of my heart to understand the necessity of lies. And all my being, EGO, ratio was against it. But still I am proud I followed my heart and expressed it. That was a gift for myself. I learned to express what i felt.

When you texted me after a day that you’ll be giving me the answer to the question I asked as we said goodbye, something changed. I saw you using the head as you did for months and it took us nowhere. I told you to stop using it, listen to the heart as you already know the answer to the question. Whatever the answer might be. You are just afraid and scared. Because you know it was not the head that brought you to me the last time. It was not the head that almost brought tears in your eyes. It was not the head that was hugging and kissing me. And most definitely it was not the head that told me that loved me…Or was that just another play of yours 😉 Too much listening to the head can hurt.

But once again you chose head. I told you my head was telling me to do differently from what I was doing. My EGO was telling me to cross the line of what I can deal with. To make you hate me. As that’s the only way this thing will ever be over…Because you are not capable of making any decision. And I am strong now but I don’t know what would happen next time. My EGO was pushing me to make you DETOX instantly. Regardless of all the collateral damage. Coz when I cross the line there’s no chance I could ever look you in the eyes again. So i did it. I listened to my HEAD/EGO with the intention that my action would make you hate me. You can guess that my ignoring your calls the day after is a sign of closure. And I don’t regret it. You thought me to think things through before acting upon and using the head the right way. Not acting out of affection. And since I took the liberty of telling you all this it would be fair to listen to you after this. You should be given a chance to a phone call that I just listen in. Could I go through it? I don’t know but you should have the chance to express yourself to the person that put a mirror in front of you.

I hope that now you realize that honesty is important. And have the balls to look your girlfriend in the eyes and tell her the truth. And before you will act the same way next time think about the extent of your actions and how many people you can hurt.

When you were apologizing which I still don’t know if it was an honest act or an attempt to keep me in your life you said that it’s true what I say: You don’t have the balls. You should man up. To take decisions and to stand by them and not hiding behind masks, ignoring people or ‘i so need a lot of me time’. Maybe now is the chance for you to man up. If that is your desire. Or you can stay without balls.

Although now you might be experiencing a hell one day you will realize that I have given you the greatest gift and will be thankful for it. You have the chance to stand up as a person – the real you. Not the one you act like now. To become a person that is honest and true to every one he meets on the way…so I won’t be the person you were most honest with…Coz if that’s honesty I can’t imagine the way you are with others. It’s above my comprehension.

I am not surprised that with all the woman you involve in your life, all the planning and lies have as the result ED. Your lifestyle must be stressful. And constant ED is not something normal for a man of your age. Not to be able to get an erection without stimulation. And not to be able to keep it for more that a split second. A visit to a therapist would be advised. Of course after the lifestyle change. And the switch off of the ‘big head’ will switch on the bottom one;)

I know I am the only one to blame for the situation. I have been blinded by the chemistry and the picture I let you imprint in my head. So I let you treat me the way you did. And let you really show me that I was something special in your life and once again…I just wonder how do you behave towards people that are not special to you :S

I don’t hate you. I never could. Although it might be easier. I am honestly happy that you were part of my life. And you remain part of me. At the end I will forget the bad things and cherish the good memories. We have them too. And you will have a special place in my heart. Always.

Let me now thank you for everything you’ve given me in these past years. With the last come back you made it possible to walk away without hate or anger for you…and most important myself – for trusting, believing in you, giving you so many chances…I don’t blame myself any more and don’t ask what did I do wrong….I have left another experience and enlightenment.

If you are now asking yourself WHY…just switch off the thinking mechanism in your head and you will be given the answer….you know WHY.

Me