True to myself

I’ve learned that the most important thing in life is being true to myself.

I saw this Ellen’s video about her living her secret life and being untruth to herself. About the fears she was going through. I know my secret’s nothing compared to Ellen’s but whatever you keep inside that’s stopping you to live the life to the fullest is HUGE.

The first thing I kept for myself is that my dad committed suicide. First it was because I felt guilty. I felt I didn’t do enough to save him, although I stopped him twice before. When I came to terms with the fact that it was his choice and not mine and I had no right to get involved I had no problem telling people. But I didn’t. Because of their reactions. And again I had to come to terms with myself. It had nothing to do with me how people reacted. And the most important thing I learned on this journey is to forgive. My dad for abandoning me when I needed him the most. And not to feel angry about it. And now when it happens that I end up telling someone about it I know their reaction to it is their path.

I am a University dropout. But nevertheless I ended up landing some great jobs with really good paychecks. And I was successful. But whenever there was the chance to get public credit for the job well done and I would have to expose myself I let someone from my team take credit. I didn’t have the problem with my position but I didn’t want anyone to know that I didn’t finish University. I guess it’s been bugging me deep down inside and I only recently realized this. And I realized I was putting myself down because of this. And not being true to myself. I now openly speak about it with everyone and I have decided to finish my studies. I am in the process of preparing for one of the two exams I still have to take and the final paper. And I can breathe again. I feel lighter.

Another thing I realized I haven’t been true to myself is in friendships and helping people. I realized I was carrying this fear of being left alone, ending up alone. Therefore I’d be always available to every person who needed me and I let them take advantage of me and use me. Not that I blame them. I know people only go so far as you let them and it’s up to us to mark the boundaries. So now I am no longer available for everyone. I don’t do things for people that I feel are using my knowledge/expertise for their own advancement and offering nothing in return but I rather help animals and homeless people. It’s more rewarding to do something for someone that expects nothing from you and can offer nothing but gratitude in return than help people who could pay for your services but want to use you. And getting rid of this kind of people/friends from your life is being true to yourself.

And now I finally understand the Italian saying “Meglio soli che male accompagnati” – better to be alone than in bad company. As long as I am being true to myself I cannot be alone. I might have less people in my life but the ones that remain are the true friends.

I guess that’s the reason I love cats. They are always true to themselves and they don’t give a damn about others.